How Does Your Yoga Grow?

Have you ever come up against a yoga asana that confronts you and challenges you in a way you're not sure you can take? I have.

Last summer, my world felt like it was spinning out of control, and I was wearing myself out doing everything I could to keep it together. Every time I found myself moving into Pigeon, my hips would open up pretty well, so far so good, I could begin to walk my hands out, still feeling ok, but if I tried to let go and rest, I went into a panic. I couldn't breathe. My heart started racing, and I was immediately overcome with terror. At first, I reacted in fear and would instantly come up out of it, come to a place where I could breathe again and feel in control. Pigeon was not my favorite asana, and for some reason, it sure felt like we did a lot of it last summer.

One day later in the season, I found myself in Pigeon yet again. This time, as my pulse quickened and I felt the familiar sensation of not being able to breathe, something inside me asked if I could be present for just a moment, if I could try to sit with those feelings of being out of control, if I could intentionally breathe, even if it was shallow at first, and honestly assess the situation. Doing so, I found that I actually had no trouble taking an inhalation, but it was nearly impossible for me to let go of an exhalation. Mentally drifting over all the circumstances in my life that felt on the brink of disaster, all those situations I was straining to maintain my death grip of control over, it hit me. I was terrified of letting go of anything - even my breath - because I had come to rely so heavily on this semblance of control I had conjured up to process my life. But I don't have any control, not really. Whatever is to happen will happen, and I can struggle and fret and kick against the unknown future, or I can choose to live in the present, accepting whatever comes with gratitude, and continue to breathe.

That day, I began to let go. Focusing intently on my exhalations, I determined to release the strangle hold I had on my breath, and off my mat, I felt myself beginning to release those situations and circumstances that caused me such fear and pain. Letting go of my exhalations, I could simultaneously let go of my desperate need for control, and as I released my false sense of entitlement over the way things turned out, I found it easier and easier to exhale. These days, I can not only rest in Pigeon, I have become better at taking life as it comes. Although I still have a long way to go, and there continue to be new asanas that arise to confront and challenge me, I am grateful for the mental and spiritual benefits I gained from what I thought was a purely physical asana.

So how about you? Have you confronted a greater life issue through a challenging asana? Are you experiencing something like this right now? Please share in the comments.